How to Keep Your Home From Selling

Ok, tonight, after a few phone calls from agents with well intended questions, I thought about just why some houses never sell, while others sell quickly.  Well, as David Letterman spouts out his words of late nite wisdom, I decided to make a list of these passing thoughts, before they pass!
So here is the Real Truth about Real Estate Listings 'cause, well somebody, has gotta say it  . . . and it might as well be me!

Top 10 Ways to Keep Your Home Your Own aka How to Keep Your House from Selling

#10  Make it Rover's Home-- If you really want don't want to sell your house, get a peppy, energetic, loud dog and lock him in the laundry room so he can scratch away at the door.  If you really detest confining the little critter, put a sign on the door telling us Fido is friendly.  That way if left to run about, he can jump all over the buyer and make him feel at home.  Don't worry about me, Fido will not jump on me because little house dogs regularly view me as an ice queen.
#9  Tidiness--Clean the bath by closing the shower and putting the toilet seat down.  This is the way my younger brother and I cleaned house as teenagers.  Most of us have been there and will hardly turn on  the light to see what "lies beyond." Unfortunately, I have seen this one, a few too many times.
#8  Decor-- Refuse to remove the sentimental wallpaper in the main bath.  After all, they still sell towels with the same color scheme!  By all means, do not let anyone talk you into removing the nite illuminating stars on the master bedroom ceiling, just find the buyer who has the sun and moon bedspread.  It is not impossible, just challenging.
#7 Clutter--Spread around a few collectibles and a lot of magazines.  Realtors, in general prefer a "home" to show.   One that "smarts" of personal objects showing the home is lived in, not just "looked at" is particularly desirable.  Keep the buyer from "seeing" himself in your home!  This one works every time!
#6  Dim Lighting--make sure at least half the bulbs are out and the blinds drawn as you enter the home.  This lets the buyer know you are "prepared" and staging the home to have a mellow, quiet appeal.  Darker colors lake us to a more relaxed state of mind; or at least take us to a darker place in our minds. 
#5.  Odors--be sure to fry something of the area you hail from.  If you are from the south, fry catfish or if you are from Thailand, cook Thai food, etc  That way your home will have an appeal to a certain group of people and save the Realtor direct marketing.  DO NOT forget to bake choc chip cookies at the end of the meal.  It not only blends in but covers the really strong orders.  Candles of several flavor scents also add a nice touch. 
#4  Keep Grandma's Ashes in a Shrine in the Living Room--really, do I need to explain this?
#3  Personalize the House--Hang favorite family photos in every room.  Try to use a minimum of 6 per room, possibly taken in each respective room.  Keep it your home, until they "show you da money."
#2 Refuse to Answer Your Phone--Don't make the assumption that "real buyers" will call back or that you will make the contact when convenient.  Sales can be "lost in the moment." Realtors always call back, they have a lot of time for this. 
#1 Price the House based on What YOU WANT for IT!--We all want the most money our property will bring, but pricing it for more does no one any good.  Often, it will keep the buyer in the appropriate range from even seeing it.  Houses need to be priced according to location and condition.  But hey man, it's your house, hang a price on it! 
If you have followed 1-9, managing to make your home a Realtor nightmare, buproud.  Rememberthere is a butt for every seat and someone will buy.  Should you choose to violate Rules 10-2, than you will likely be a cheery seller with a house ready to sell at the top of the market--once the market hits that "TOP"!
Questions, my dear Watson? 
There, I said'er again!